Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow
cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in
the corral," Joe began.
"You mean the parking lot,"
interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the
door," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door,"
Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met
by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie
"Well, the usher led me down
the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie
"Then, he led me to a stall
and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's
what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."
Four old cowboys are having
a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world. First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick
your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."
Second cowboy says, "Well, I
think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."
Third cowboy says, "Well, I
think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I
think it's the Mexican-two-step diarrhea."
All the others ask simultaneously,
Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain
it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha homemade Mexican tequila. On the way home from
the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed over a time or
two, and a buncha jalapeno and some chili peppers I never saw before."
First cowboy asks, "So, what's
that got to do with speed or diarrhea?"
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later
on when I was in bed, I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn that damn
A kid walked up to a guy wearing
a 10-gallon hat, leather vest, leather chaps, and sneakers. The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?"
The cowboy replied, "Well, son,
the big hat protects me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it
protects me then, too."
"Why do you wear that leather
vest?" asked the kid.
"It also helps to keep the weather
off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my valuables," replied the cowboy.
"Well, why do you wear leather
"They protect my legs when I'm
driving my horse through mesquite and cactus."
"Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid
finally asked, "Why do you wear sneakers?"
"That's so somebody won't think
I'm a damn truck driver."
This young Cowboy in the Old
West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation
of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young Cowboy walked up to the old man and told him his dream.
The old man looked him up and
down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me, tell me," said the young Cowboy. "Tie the bottom of your
holster lower onto your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Definitely," said the old man.
The young Cowboy did what he
was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"
"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother." "Will that make
me a better gunfighter?" "It sure will," said the old man.
The young Cowboy did what he
was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you
can share with me?" "One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all
over your gun."
The young Cowboy didn't hesitate
but started putting the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.
"Will that make me a better
gunfighter?" "No," said the old man, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your
ass, and it won't hurt as much!"